Scripts for Parents: Weaponized incompetence

When was the last time someone used weaponized incompetence against you?

If you haven’t heard of it, the term refers to when someone uses incompetence (either real or faked) as manipulation tactic to get out of doing something — they might claim that they aren’t as good at it as you are, say they don’t know how to do it, or they might do it poorly in hopes they won’t have to do it again.

You might experience this with a child who’s trying to shift out of responsibilities. For example, your teenager repeatedly fails to sort their laundry correctly or “forgets” to put soap in the washing machine despite numerous reminders.

Even more commonly though, parents (particularly mothers, thanks to the largely unequal division of labor in most households) report experiencing weaponized incompetence with their partners. Some examples we hear a lot:

🫤 Staying “too busy” with preferred chores (yard work, tinkering in the garage, etc.) to help with other tasks

🫤 Claiming to be “bad with emails,” thus avoiding messages from school or activity sign-ups

🫤 Coming home from the grocery with the wrong items, even though there’s a list

🫤 Blaming you for the fact they didn’t do a task because you “never showed them how”

🫤 ”Forgetting” to pick up the kids, take time off for appointments, etc. so the responsibility always falls to you

Obviously, everyone at some point forgets to pick up milk or accidentally burns dinner! And neurodivergence can impact an individual’s executive function skills (like planning and attention), tolerance of certain tasks, or otherwise change how they show up in these situations.

But when it is happening to you, it can easily breed resentment, anger, and frustration, ultimately harming the relationship (and causing a lot of stress in the process)!

Here’s how to address it with respect while setting clear expectations for teamwork. 🛠️✨

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